one day i’ll be a myth

did you ever think i don’t have a desire to alchemize my pain into anything of value for a world that does not care about me or my people? when i create art again, it won’t be to heal everyone. it will be to heal myself. i do it all scared. i couldn’t leave the house before. what makes you think i want to go out there? in the red hat parade? you make the art. since you love telling people what to do. and use the money to heal the women you think should be doing anything but grieving right now. cause that’s what this is about isn’t it all? money. visibility. control. i thought we were angry warriors! what’s got your tongue? the men THINK have power over your body!!!!! you better tell someone. you better not smile. this is a war on women. what’s there to be cheery about?

and even this. even this, will heal someone in the world. i can’t help it. everything i touch turns to gold. my sister is watching. my students. my peers. my highest self. i will not stay silent ever again. i will not look beyond myself ever again. no one is saying what i need to hear but me. i will be the last rose on the bush in the desert of this fall. the last bird on the beach. the last tomato on the vine. i will not hide away in the confines of my personal privilege. i have flirted with the idea. to leave everyone who benefits from the “light” in the chilling gusty veil of wind my absence. to take this page down. and that one. until i became a myth. hang this whole thing up. you can taste my darkness. i can’t hide like you. i’m black and a woman whenever i go.

black women deserve better friendships. black women deserve better friends. black women deserve louder lovers and protectors and leaders. black women deserve deeper hugs and more than i can say i know we’ll ever receive. black women deserve a leader like me. i’m sorry for my missteps. for my avoidance. for my fear. i’m loud, black, opinionated and that i’ve sometimes feared. but it’s fuck misogyny until i D.I.E