my first youtube video
starting the real story about meeting the stars, and i won’t leave myself out.
it’s taken me quite some time to tell the story about how i met Chef Camille and Chef Tony. it was a total accident. and i’m a total perfectionist. i even told her so. i told Camille Becerra, that i intended to meet Carla Music Lalli. i talked about her like i knew her. and now they both call me friend and Carla sent me a knife. as i read this back, i’m glad i’m writing this down now. it’s not that i— i don’t think i could ever forget any of this. however, i don’t think i have given it the attention it deserves. i found out i am a multi-hyphenate manifesting generator, in human design. my eclectic life and the stories i tell are very obvious depictions of that. and so,
when i got really sick this year, from combined social work burnout, (Camille told me she too grew up with a social worker mom) life dissatisfaction, being 27, an impending career change, losing my mind, realizing a lot people die at 27 because they can’t take it, which i didn’t realize… all of it and then some would welcome a total identity change too… i got new glasses, i ended relationships, repaired a few, and and and and and
i couldn’t go to work. i’d wake up crying. i was down bad. so, i would call out of work and watch Bon Appetit. apparently everyone was watching Bon Appetit during COVID, another famous time of deep self and mortality acknowledgment. turns out it really got them through.
well, i was 4 years too late and right on time. the only thing i could do was take turns watching crying, laugh along with, get hungry, eat, cry, watch another episode and wish Chris Morocco was my boss. and and and hope one day i could make food that good looking. and also talk about it with that kind of charismatic ease. also, knowing that i can. if there’s one thing in the world that i love, it’s food. nothing further. but there was this part. this personality part. the jokes, the tease, the flirt, the unassuming perfection. it was alluring to me and it was science, art, culture, community, friendship, taste, and hope. it was everything i am and value. i think that’s the part i looked to with a glimmer of adoration in my eye and anticipation in my heart, despite feeling stuck in a field i didn’t know if i could ever get out of. but as i look back at this year from this day in November, with Carla on my TV and a sadness in my heart. a sadness that‘s really just low engagement. low engagement i’ve felt at other parts of my life and then i realize, i’m not there. i’m not 17, or 21 or 27 even. i’m 28 and i can say fuck all this actually. hahahahahahahha i quit lmfao and i realize
i have been training for this my entire life. when i was in high school, i began my first gig as prom make-up artist. twin girls in my town asked me to do their makeup. it was a toofer. i took all my stuff, and my camera, and then i started offering it to everyone i knew. it was a hit. i was getting paid at 17 years old to make the girls feel pretty. they loved me and thanked me and i thought i was the shit. but it didn’t last long. i liked doing my makeup. i learned to do my makeup watching YouTube. i fell in love with the vlogging lifestyle, the community, and the perks. free shit! when i was 17 and 16 and 15 and 14 and so on, all i wanted was stuff. i love stuff. i love free stuff and i also love making enough money to confidently buy other stuff. i would support the MUA’s in the communities i loved. makeupShayla, Katheleenlights, Carli Bybel, Jaclyn Hill, Many MUA, Patrick Starr, pretty much everyone, but… let me not. man, I loved it. the petty, the drama, but really, i loved the way they compelled audiences from the comforts of their homes, their real lives, and were just doing what they loved. i wanted it so bad. just to do my life, document my life, share my life, and benefit from doing just that. college was approaching. i had to make a choice and becoming a YouTuber in 2014, despite my hometown success, was not going to keep my parents off my back. i had to go to school. and when i was in school, i was so fucking lonely i almost died. my freshman year, i told my roommate, “it’s not you it’s me” and i second semester, i convinced my mom i wouldn’t get so lonely i would die, but i needed to live alone. and she allowed it. and although i was so lonely i could’ve died, i knew just how to fix it.
i made my first YouTube video.
and it kept me alive. this is a long story. there’s a lot to it. i’ll try and keep telling it. i’m getting sad now. until next time.
aijah <3
tasking pyper to the vet now. wish me luck!